Countless times.

Being cheap, forgiving, accomodating. If you love someone, you'll be forgiving towards her/his actions and maybe even accomodate her/his unacceptable actions. But if things were to end abruptly?? Maybe one would think that (s)he was being cheap.

Maybe i should give a senario. Man, as in humans in general, tend to want to look for someone else to take care of and make life slightly difficult for themselves when the one they are with is constantly forgiving them and accomodating. In the end maybe even think that they are in love with the other. Get what i mean? Infatuation i would rather see it as. OR, another way of looking at it would be that the victim involved here feels that she has gone below her just to please the other.

Countless people tell me that i deserve better. That it is the other's loss to lose me. That i don't need the other person. That i will be better off being alone and pampering myself. I have heard this countless times over the last 5yrs. My colleague once told me that the harsh reality is that no papers were signed and thus no one will be held responsible for the break ups. That no one can say that you had let me down and betrayed me. But if you had been good all along, then at the end of the day, you will still be the perfect one but the other party is no longer perfect.

Have you ever seen that smile on your ex face that looks so familiar? That it had been a smile that you had seen before but yet right now that smile doesn't "belong" to you anymore? I made a wrong step years ago. There's no undoing of it. Tho something is not wrong until you deem it so. But hear the words that you speak to others. It is a word of comfort if your friends tell you that you were just unlucky to meet such a person to play out on you. But if it comes from the one that you loved. That you still feel for. It shatters whatever little of the world that is left to bits.

Have you ever felt that your heart was thrown out into the open ocean and left to sink into the deepest depths? Have you ever slept with someone who no longer has interest in your life for almost 6mths or even a year? Have you ever been played out by your best friend and be seen as the one who refused to let go? Have you ever been used like a tool by your partners? Have you ever been so hurt that you never really loved and left each relationship so that you won't get hurt? Have you ever open your heart out to someone only to realise that she will be the one who'll rub salt into the old wounds? And that these wounds don't seem to heal no matter what you do and everyday, you relive the hurt from these wounds? If you had never been hurt, you would never understand the way i feel. I had been through so much. So much that my friends worry for me. There is only so much a person can take. I'm broken and you have achieved what you wanted.

To OT: i thought i knew how you would have felt back then all along. But only now do i really understand how it feels. Wish i could walk out of this like you and Nikki had.

To YS: What would i do if you really leave in Oct and i had not recovered? I wish to recover but i just dunno when i will.

To WD: I will never allow anyone to hurt any of my friends. All the more my exes who become my friends. Therefore you had better get into a local U and spare her the hurt of seeing you leave. We all know that long distance relationships don't work out. But this does not mean that i had accepted you as yet. Tho Karen might say that you don't need me to accept you.

To BBKYQ: You once said that it feels very nice when all your friends and family acknowledged my existance. I hope that hasn't changed. Please note that i did mention "as yet". I had accepted and forgiven before. So for you it will not be any different. Just a matter of time.

To myself: This minute will be the last day to being someone's ex. I had survived before and i will survive this. My flaw is my impatience and so is my strength.